It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
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[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
Meeeee too!
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Do one person every day that scares you.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.