“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
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Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Its a hippotatomus
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.