Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
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Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Stick it to the man
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
going to the ER y’all need anything