Traveler’s camo
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aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.