Wordle 241 1/6
馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
*pours one out for my dad on Father鈥檚 Day*
*my dad鈥檚 ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don鈥檛 talk to me or my cake ever again!
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren鈥檛 keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you鈥檙e colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you鈥檙e going to obliterate the vibe.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Oh no 馃槀馃槀馃挃馃槶
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 馃槼
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let鈥檚 go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My mom, to me as a kid: You鈥檇 probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.