My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
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“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Merica.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Oceanography is all about current events
Classic German Shepherd 😂
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
😩😩😩
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh