i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
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This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.