no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani