day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
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[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.