them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
You Might Also Like
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
fired
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her