Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
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[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Put this video in the Louvre
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?