Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
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In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.