[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun