Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
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Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine