During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
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Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
If snakes were wide
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.