*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
You Might Also Like
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
i’m still crying at this
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.