partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
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Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.