Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.