I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
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All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Things will get butter, keep churning
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
kitchen magnet