Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”