If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
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My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
There’s only one good girl here!
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr