8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
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Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
“I wouldn’t.”
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring