In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
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[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”