Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
3% human
97% stress