Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”