[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
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Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I’ve been drinking.
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.