CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
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There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
SPLOOT
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie