Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
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I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Does beer think about me too?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
oh my gosh!!
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base