Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
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“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
My beach vacation Google searches
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
My dating profile:
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.