Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
When I said I liked it rough.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
this isn’t threatening at all
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.