Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
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There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer