I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing