I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
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In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
This rocks
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
#merica
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.