#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?