When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
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The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*