I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
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Sharon I have some bad news
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
IT’S-A ME,
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet