Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
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*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Meat Cute
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
🤣🤣
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.