Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
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For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
The photographer’s assistant
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.