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Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Lol
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.