You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Cake!!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.