Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
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[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.