*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
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I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?