marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing