“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
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10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
🔦🌙👣
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.