If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
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Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt