Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
😂😂😂
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake