Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
accurate
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
those birds must be on payroll
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.