There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
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*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
What about a To-Don’t List?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.