There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
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I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed