Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
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The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
They did not miss in the small print
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
won’t smith
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
This line from Airplane.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.